Thursday, March 29, 2007

Image stolen from Staces Blog but it is such an awesome shot...

Welcome back to the 2007 ride to conference brought to you tonight by buryme Cigarettes, try our new kiddybaco… and the Karl Marx Credit card; Share the love and the interest.

Today we have an interesting event, the 114km under water road race, the conditions are perfect for this kind of racing today, with constant rain and slippery roads…. The competitors are up, this year we have a new addition, the first father and son team to complete in such an event, That’s Aidan and Barry in the green.

We are awaiting starter's orders… and they're off, it into the driving rain they go, we are expecting a resounding 27 mm of rain today, already Mount Hotham has had 25 mm… A few of the riders have broken into free style, ones doing the backstroke, yes they are paddling franticly against the torrent, I think I saw one wearing a snorkel….

An announcements been made, one of the silly buggers has forgotten his waterproofs, waiting on confirmation but yes I believe, yes I can confirm, it's Aidan, and he is already soaked t the bone, you can see him at the morning tea, wringing the water out of his shoes and socks, and we have had to turn the cameras away while he wrings out the shirt, not a great image for the weak of heart… The good doctor is coming up to him, and yes, he has handed him a vest, can you believe the human struggle being portrayed here against the elements, he may not turn completely blue after all…..

Back to the ride, they're off for the last remaining 80km now, and it has gotten incredibly hilly out there, 30 degree hills, 3 kilometre climbs, a real test of endurance and stamina, quite a few have gotten on the sad wagon at the back, because the poor old legs have given out, but Aidan, his father and the good doctor have continued on…. Such determination, such single bloody mindedness, they know it will make a difference…

The down hill section is proving difficult as it has been used as a stock trail in the last three days, and the manure is flying, I haven't seen this much bullshit thrown around since the last election. Its flicking back off the tires, yes and Aidan has copped it a giant brown racing stripe is now on the vest… They ride on now for morning tea, the front of the pack it’s the safety car, its pulled in front of the riders, oh the 6 bike pile up, he wants them to make a right turn, down the hill into afternoon tea, and Aidan's losing control the back tire has come right round in the wet, and he just manages to hold it, others hadn’t been quite as fortunate on that hill, one of the best bruised butts, since my time in the naughty hell fire club, the result of that particular hill.. But she will recover.

They are into the final straight now, most are coming across the line looking ragged, the water still pouring off them, sodden to the bone…Quite a few competitors tonight will be straight for the shower and straight to the pub*…

*I fully recommend the BBQ Parma**, just make sure your hungry.

** best served with several icy beers and surrounded by family and friends.

These are my pale little legs hanging out of the bike shorts, and dad's old bike, 24 speed hybrid, beautiful bike, and sensational Granny Gear...

And now a word from our sponsor….

Looking for cheap tubes? Then come see the good doctor he has had a recent increase in stock due to several spectacular blow outs on a charity ride. Two on the bass Hwy one on the hills and one near the beach.. The tires are in spectacular condition easily reusable as they are only flat on one side… Going out for a song…

When you think of cycling think good doctor….


Monday, March 26, 2007

/* I was struggling to write this particular post, so looked for suggestions for format from the floor the greatest challenge being an instruction manual… so here is*/

How to assemble 65,000 dollars for charity…..

Day one:

Step one: Kiss your beautiful wife for the last time for the week, hold her as she becomes teary, tell her that you love her, and leave before showing too much emotion.

Step two: Taking two large boots, use the pedals in the Automobile (batteries not included) to propel yourself towards the starting position of the event; which also happens to share the same name as a collection of livestock…. Cowes.

Step three: On arrival pour a large amount of concrete into your mattress, as this will provide a more comfortable alternative to cheap hotel mattress. Watch the final on TV (in platinum pack) with your father and the good doctor. Watch until tired, retire to concrete bedding.

Day two:

Step one: Roll out of bed, slide on bike shorts these should fit snugly to produce the maximum size bulge around the groin region, raise arms and lower ride shirt over chest, Ride shirt should be the most gaudy green colour available, one to maximise visibility for passing vehicles, and to make as unattractive as possible to the opposite/same sex.

Step Two: follow your father's directions to the adventure park, the starting location of the adventure, perfectly and end up on the wrong part of the island, call your mother for more accurate instructions, arrive at start point 10 minutes later than expected.

Step three: Saddle up and ride, turn the pedals over for the first 30 kilometres to Grantville for Morning Tea, set a pace of 27 Km per hour (average). Remember to wipe the beads of sweat from your face when required, and keep the fluids up.

Step four: ride on until you reach Warrigal, approximately 104 km from your starting position sometime in the afternoon, attempt to remove bike seat from butt checks, if this cannot be removed don’t worry as it will become lodged again on the next day…

Step five: Kick back at the BBQ sink several beers, retire for the evening, and thank your home hosts for there hospitality, compare their book collection to your own.

Day Three:

Step one: Form up for the ride, if you pretend that your bike shorts don’t smell no one will notice that they still contain the sweat of 104 km from the day before. Head towards the Highway.

Step two: outside of Drouin you should encounter a stretch of road with an incline over a length of road of three kilometres, at approximately a 30 degree angle to the road surface, this should be attacked in a low gear and accompanied by much profanity and sweating.

Step three: Dress one of the exchange students in a 2.5 m high giraffe costume, for Life Education Victoria, ride into the school to the cheers of all the kids, watch as they smile and wave, feel six foot tall and rocket proof for a fleeting moment in your life.

Step four: ride out from the school, ringing your bell like a madman, and back to the highway, continue on for the town of Sale…. Bunk into a cheap caravan park for the night, share in fellowship with the other riders, sink several refreshing ales, down by the Port of sale, over a BBQ with 50 other riders… Sing loudly and proudly, at some point call your wife to say you miss her... Find out she just misses your cooking.

More to follow…. And hopefully dad emails the photos on….

Coming up…. The Tour De Sale bike ride and synchronised swimming event, the good doctor blow-out sale, and the 112 km short cut.


Thursday, March 15, 2007

Well i am off for a about a week i will see you all on my return, very sore and very tired.

Wish me luck


I will leave you with the bicycle race by Queen a fitting exit track

Bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my bike

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride it where I like

You say black I say white

You say bark I say bite

You say shark I say hey man

Jaws was never my scene

And I don't like Star Wars

You say Rolls I say Royce

You say God give me a choice

You say Lord I say Christ

I don't believe in Peter Pan

Frankenstein or Superman

All I wanna do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my bike

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my

Bicycle races are coming your way

So forget all your duties oh yeah!

Fat bottomed girls they'll be riding today

So look out for those beauties oh yeah

On your marks get set go

Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race

Bicycle bicycle bicyI want to ride my bicycle

Bicycle bicycle bicycle

Bicycle race

You say coke I say caine

You say John I say Wayne

Hot dog I say cool it man

I don't wanna be the President of America

You say smile I say cheese

Cartier I say please

Income tax I say Jesus

I don't wanna be a candidate

For Vietnam or Watergate

Cos all I want to do is

Bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my bike

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride it where I like

Monday, March 12, 2007

It’s a jungle down there…

Dear Loyal reader(s),

The final phase of any cycling training is of course the most painful…. As Mr Miyagi once said… "Wax on, Wax off" yes ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere before undertaking the ride I must go from this…

To this….

Before you come out with it, this is not a sexual oooh my legs are silky smooth thing, this is a preventative action against the dangers of gravel rash thing… in addition to being a sexual oooh my legs are silky smooth thing… And hopefully I will stand a better chance of winning the upcoming work bikini contest.

My first problem with the waxing is of course the name… Nads wax, it is confusing as to where it is to be applied, and if it means what I think it means in I'm in for some hollering.. In addition everything comes in pink; it is hard to feel manly having your legs waxed.

Gravel rash with hairy legs is a concern, the hairs grow back through the scabs, increasing healing time and greatly increasing the risk of infection, so the preventative actions detailed below are required.

I think the over all process is best described in my ten step plan to hair removal.

Step one: Take a shot
Step two: Open box, read instructions, loose interest in instructions, get confused in what you are doing.
Step three: take a shot, ask wife for help.
Step four: try and convince wife you knew what you were doing all along, and that the trail of wax from the kitchen to the lounge room was there when we moved in.
Step five: Pour hot sticky solution onto legs, take a shot, cover with the fabric hair gripers.
Step six: Rip, in one quick movement, the fabric from the leg.
Step seven: Swear, hop and jump, hide leg from woman with wax, take a shot.
Step eight: allow wife to coax you out of the cupboard with beer.
Step nine: take a shot
Step ten: Repeat until legs are hairless, you run out of booze, you decide waxing your chest is a good idea, or any combination of the above.

Hairlessly yours


PS how do women do this all the time?
PPS it is less than a week after this it's straight back on the bike


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Just a short bike ride he said....

Maybe I should take a step back and give a bit more information.... My father a
wonderful and community minded man, not to mention a cycling enthusiast, he sat
me down about a month ago and said.

"Do you want to do a short bike ride for charity?"

The lessen to be learnt for today, if a 67 seven year bike mad father ever says
the phrase short bike ride, turn and run for the hills because it means months
of training, blood sweat and a work synonymous with profanity..... Exercise.

I open the welcome pack forwarded on by email, and the eyes bulge, surely this
is a typo, uming and and arghing whether it is the distance or the phone number
I am staring at it, 700 kilometers, 5 days, the mental maths churning in my
head, that's about 140 kilometers a day... I have been hoodwinked, by a grey
haired Loki of the Bicycle underworld.

Don't get me wrong I am more than willing to do my bit for those in need, and I
am not exactly unfit, I'm 24 and built like a grey hound (after a month of
starvation), but the thought of 700 kms glued to a bike seat did not sound like

"Dad this bike ride, is there a typo in the heading? There seems to be a couple
of extra 0s after the 7."
"No its 700 hundred last year was a lot shorter, that was only 500.."

So after the shock of the email, my only course of action became clear, I need
to go.....

From This To This

Via this and this

So I bought a pair of bike shorts, (as stated below the only contraceptive to be
made out of lycra), you know the type, the one with the sanitary pad stitched
into the base. Makes you feel like there has been an unfortunate accident,
involving too many prunes. Every day for the last month I have completed a 20 km
(min) bike ride, on an old Malvern star more of an iron oxide deposit than an
actual bike, and approximately 16 kilometers on foot, amongst day to day walking
and fitness. A massive change in diet, moving from the see food diet (I see food
I eat it), to controlled diet fresh fruit and vegetables, and healthy soups. No
fast food, no soft drink, no lollies, or sweet things and a tonne of water
daily. A true health nut for a month. My legs are getting huge and I lost my
puppy fat, I have gone from the one pack to a 4 pack, if I stand up really
straight, and squint:-)

My bottom however is feeling the burn, bruised and batters, and the permanent
impression of a bike seat between the cheeks. Now with only 10 days to go, my
legs march on with much apprehension and dread, in a circular motion toward the
700 kilometers that await.
Despite my complaints and sore muscles it is all in a good cause funds will
support the following...

Life Education Victoria
Shelter Box
Gippsland Centenary House

Wish me Luck

Keep 'em spinning