Ho Ho Homophobia
My sincerest apologies for the lack of posts of late, but the weight of the holiday season is upon us and with it old fears and anxieties raise their heads. It is with great fear and trepidation that I write this post baring my soul and fears most dark to the world. The illusion of the fearless blogger in search of truth; who laughs in the face of danger, who tweaks the nose of terror, has been shattered. I have handled snakes, jumped from helicopters, been in rooms with no oxygen pumped full of noxious gases, I have seen death in all its forms. Nothing of the afore mentioned has filled me with the terrors most foul of the December months…..
I talk of course of Santa Claus… As early as I can remember I have always been scared of Santa, my earliest photos of myself crying in horror as I am forced to endure the endless questioning of my wants and desires until my parents snatched me from his vile clutches. Even now as I approach my 25th year upon the earth the image of the jolly fat man still fills my soul with fear of unimaginable terror.
What is it about the fat man with the midget fetish that I find most horrifying? I believe it comes from the song entitled "Santa Claus is coming to town" and I quote…
"he sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake" – Surely I am not the only sensible being to find this sentiment creepy. If it was anyone else you would take out a restraining order. In addition the song indicates a general air of menace. "He knows if you have been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake" as the penalty is so horrible it is omitted from the lyrics.
I remember as a young fellow setting traps for Santa involving an elaborate series of trip wires placed around the fireplace, coupled with an alarm made of falling marbles into an echoing tin can. But despite my best efforts the beast eluded me, however I did manage to cause significant bruising to my mothers shins with one of the wires that had less give than I thought it did.
To combat this phobia I was forced to face my fears at 17 years of age, my parents made me dress as Santa and lure small children with candy to various forms of Christmas marketing… I believe I still hold the record for the skinniest Santa ever.
As explained by my father
"due to recent medical complications Santa has had to lose weight, the triple by-pass has led to a dramatic decrease in the cookie intake of Santa's diet. " but this was to no avail, I continued to avoid Santa in all shopping centres.
As we approach the 25th preparations are being made: roof to reindeer missiles are being installed, the chimney has been blocked to prevent the annual break and enter in the name of generosity, and we are at elf alert 5 at all sections of the building. Only a few more days remain of avoiding Santa, until we are forced to suffer the easter bunny; that how ever is another tale.